Yeah, getting the HI-fiVe would really put a damper on my whoring around.
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
I dont care how drunk you were. Making a bet with MY husband at MY wedding that you could seal the deal before he could is ALWAYS inappropriate!
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
He balanced a treat on his nose, and then he rolled me a joint. My bf is the best pet ever.
Good. Go forth, young stallion. Destroy the vaginal region with your tidy crotch.
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
Vodka, rum, moonshine, I don't care, just bring like 5gallons.
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
Randomize
