this is a family affair. You're an embarrassment.
whatever it's not my family
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
If it makes you feel better he went down on me when i had a yeast infection.
just got hammed at grandma and grampas 30th aniversary bash .. from the looks i was getting im guessing i wont be seeing an inheritance ...
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
And for those of you keeping score at home this is the 7th time I've found Casey passed out head first in a bowl of chips at a party I didn't even know she was at
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
You ruined me. I can't stop referring to everything outside as the "no-walls" ever since you showed me that video while I was tripping balls. My speech may be permanently altered for the rest of earth spins
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
Randomize
