sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones?
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
I am trapped in a bar with french tattooed drug dealers who also blow glass art. Just in case this is bad, know what happened.
Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
do i respond to the booty call for the guy with the bigger dick or the one who has the gourmet coffee i like so much? at this point i'm leading toward the coffee
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
we got stoned then he started showing me how to make his penis look like a hamburger...if that's not true love idk what love is
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
Before making travel and hotel reservations to meet your "affair" for the first time, consult your menstrual calendar! $633 wasted!
we used a blowdryer last night to warm up our left over pizza..it worked perfectly at first..but then the chili powder got into his eyes..
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
