Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
I just spent an hour correcting all the grammar and spelling of all the 2pac songs on my ipod
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
Just watched a guy puke off his bike. Beyond impressed. He didn't even swerve
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
I'm sorry you were dumb enough to get played by a male cheerleader
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
he went down on me to a drake song and now i think i need a penicillin shot
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
I’ve got a lot of questions but the first one has to be where you got the flame thrower.
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
Randomize
