Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
Omg 230 lb butch lesbian with a mustache grabbed my dick. I need an adult
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
Is it possible to dent your eyeball? And how do you "accidentally" go cosmic bowling?
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
Is it wrong that the only reason I'd want Savannah in my wedding party is to watch her whore around and drink?
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
Our entire day shift is on either molly or acid. I'm about to take two hits of the latter.
Randomize
