I'm playing the sound guy on a porno set
I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
test run with donkey pinata disastrous. broken glass and tequila EVERYWHERE
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
THIS NIGHT WILL NOT GO DICKLESS
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
I hope Team Snapchat has been enjoying our sex snaps all this week.
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
I'm playing drinking games with a boy who looks like Liam Hemsworth. I think I'm fine.
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
He put your tit in his mouth. Professionalism is out the window after that.
okay valid
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