Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
Do you think we're allowed to sign male strippers into the building with a valid id?
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
I think we need to teach you what straight means again
I was galloping around pretending to give birth to pbrs. I could have used a mask.
I am putting together a break up mix and its pretty much the best of Phil Collins
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
Can we climb Your roof?
No bitch its 2am go home.
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
I know! It's like he knows when my vagina wants to misbehave!
Left him blackout in the cab, gave 20$ to the cabbie and said drive until the meter said he wasn't getting a tip.
Bangkok has him now.
Randomize
