I'm sorry for the crack den comment. You have a lovely apartment.
I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
A 21st bday and NYE should be illegal to have in the same week...
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.
He was in Alberta for less than a week and is already banned from 6 bars. I fear for his general well-being over there.
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
Randomize
