True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
wouldn't it be funny if when girls shaved their vaginas, they gave them sideburns?
Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
Come see our sink grown plant.
no. you're not making a beach trip out of my abortion.
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
All I know for sure is, I went to bed drunk and I woke up in a relationship..I think I need to reevaluate my drinking skills.
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
Did we actually play with swords last night or did I dream that?
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
Randomize
