there should be a relationship option on facebook "stillllll in a relationship"
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
I don't want to have to force feed him my vagina!!
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
I need to wear something that says I would have sex with you but I'm not going to
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
Get to the bar now. Ryan is single again and every skank on campus that has heard story about his dick is circling like a shark. A cock hungry shark
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
