He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
they're mlb prospects.. of course i'm gonna bang one of them.
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
I bet he'd be real motivational during sex. And he'd probably make you call him superman.
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
i'm gonna crowd surf you onto his dick
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
There's a possibility I may have hooked up with that British guy...
Possibility? You left the door open! Everyone saw!
i was in class looking for a pencil and found a chicken strip in my back pack. i think i might have a problem.. sad thing is i ate it
Is that strawberry winking at me??
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