Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
JoAnns office is warmer than mine. . .it must be because she has the gateway to hell under her desk.
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
the biggest problem in our relationship is that im team edward and my boyfriend is team jacob
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
If tjhis were a lake full of vodka and i were a ducl Id swim my way down and ddrink my way up
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
She had a glow in the dark pastie on her forehead the last time I saw her. That should help you find her.
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
Randomize
