Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
Ive been sitting around naked watching magic on youtube.
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
apparently i was just sitting there with my shirt down holding my boobs saying "its ok. its all gonna be ok"
No. He just yelled "youre having one more orgasm!" So he made that happen and then he rolled over and went to sleep.
We passed my parents while I was giving him road head...that awkward
Oh no, we smoked the revival weed. It came in a Batman bag. It hit like justice. And orphans.
BUT I think maybe Thursday in celebration of America we should probably tan and see how fast we can finish everything in the liquor cabinet.
But wait then while giving his drive thru order he goes in mid sentence, "Hey baby it's Travis remember me?"
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
Yo. What's your name again? You put "don't tell your landlord" as your name lol
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
Randomize
