mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
Yeah but his hole really smells sometimes
he said no girl had ever swallowed his cum before
he probably also told you he thought u were pretty
My cock is literally on the edge of falling off. Fuck Vegas.
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
The uberlube is also flammable
So he got the TA job but i told him its not official until we have a quickie on his desk. He offered to break into his office. He doesnt start until this fall.
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
Yah. Then he started clapping my boobs together in his hands and started shouting "the seas are angry!"
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
Randomize
