Smith looks like a guy that goes on a lot of first dates
do you think they make care bear costumes for cats?
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
I just bought a CD. I feel like a traitor to my generation.
Question. Will thrown up fruit loops go down the shower drain?
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
The bartender just hugged us goodnight. I think we go there too often.
i just want to attach a dildo to the ceiling and ride it like a gay spiderman.
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
i just used your hair clip to unclog my bong. i miss you so much!
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