theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
I just spent my lunch hour driving around campus yelling "TRADE LIVES WITH ME!" to all the freshmen moving in
i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
he said 'i love fucking you, ashley'. it was the most romantic thing he's said during sex because he actually used my name.
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
i walked outside and you were driving up the stairs to her apartment
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
If I have to strap one on and give it to you good, you will not die revirginated. That's friendship.
What did you two do last night and why did Sam send me a picture of your dick?
I've literally exhausted all the videos on pornhub. It took like 4 years, but I've done it. I did that quicker than I finished college
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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