im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
its not fair. if i was a guy, i'd be getting a high five for banging two in one night.
To this day, he introduces me as "the girl I met climbing trees at 3 A.M."
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
do not get into a discussion with my roommate when im sitting there naked ever again.
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
bong water from a few floors above me just splashed onto my face when i was looking out the window. Happy 4/21 to me
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
I also fell asleep on the side of a tree so like I hit my lowest point there but it was a good time
Not as bad as when you were sitting in the pond getting fed water
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
No, I barely made it home last nite. Kept telling cab driver I live across the street from Susan Sarandon?? Thank god her coop addy is posted online.
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
Randomize
