I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
She hash-tagged my name. I think it's safe to say that she remembers our hookup.
My fuck buddy is great and all, but it gets weird when she gets in arguments with her BF in the driveway
I've noticed we have slowly begun to phase the "B" out of our Bromance.
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
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