I guess there's a 50 percent chance that it was her that wet my bed.
can you pick up canola oil? she lives by wegmans
who is canola oil?
you're an idiot.
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
it only took 2 hours but we managed to melt the purity ring down with a butane torch
Im sorry that my initial plan of you grabbing his dick didnt work out but Im glad you grabbed his heart
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
maybe if I avoid him long enough we could skip the talking part of "we need to talk"
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
Not sure if I should ask if I can have my underwear back or just avoid that all together.
Dude we were sitting at my place stoned as fuk then someone knocks on the door and it was my neighbor giving me a huge box of cookie dough. Magic of weed.
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
Randomize
