My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
It was ok at first, but now im getting freaked out by him jerking off to me doing yoga
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
this is you don't wonder off at 3 am with no pants on. Just stay there and pray to god you don't get arrested for being on school property.
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
Everything sucks i just wanna cry and smoke a bowl and pet my cat and die. All at the same time
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
we have to top last new years. except im not ready for jail. that can wait a couple years
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
We went to Denny's and he threatened to fight an entire high school track team by himself
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
It's become almost a Pavlovian response. The sound of the vacuum being run by hubby causes an instantaneous involuntary orgasm.
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
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