the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
well hello there hangover. fancy meeting you here on this BRIGHT thursday morning.
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
Based on your 5AM twitter activity I gather you found MORE FREE COKE??
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
After sending me a dick pic, he asked, "yay or nay?"
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
Listen all we did was not even pretend we aren’t each other’s type and live together and constantly encourage each other to get laid for 6 months.
Idk how it devolved into us fucking.
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
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