i can't help myself.. i am just so in love with the kitchen manager.
...he was wearing JNCO shorts.. i'm pretty sure i saw the dragon.
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
Also, I once came to the conclusion after this one boy, that her pleasure condoms are a college boys version of flowers
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
Like I've never seen her that drunk. She's usually like quiet and doesn't say she'll fuck someone on a futon
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
I've come to the conclusion all of your awkward and complicated male encounters could easily be intercepted by a man town Yankee candle and a vibrator. Sleep on that tell me your thoughts in the morning. Sweet dreams.
I dont' remember leaving St. Cloud, getting home, or apparently directing traffic in the middle of the fucking street while black out drunk.
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
I told you naked hot tub wrestling would turn bad now one of us has a gash on the head and another a black eye
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
i feel like i got punched in the face....
you did....
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Randomize
