There's a vagina buried somewhere in there.
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
yeah come on over we're just pre gaming for the grocery store
and she just brought her bike into the shower with her
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
You may now shotgun with the bride
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
went to their party, left halfway through to fuck a pledge, came back to keep drinking. I think everyone won.
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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