You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
like the only thing i remember is bringing a piece of toast to the bar...
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
So I just stole my deans keys to break into the dining hall to get coco puffs. I shouldn't have gone to this meeting stoned.
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
Randomize
