it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
He just kept muttering to himself "stabby stabby stabby stabby" while we were boning. I will never be boning him again.
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
He snuck into my grandmothers house, broke her lamp, fucked me, then had breakfast with us the next morning. I am an awful granddaughter.
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
She came back in her actual cheerleader uniform. Made a bad bj tolerable.
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
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