If i see another girl turn you down you should either turn gay or just kill yourself
i wish peter jackson would direct porn
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
our conversations pretty much only consist of the phrase 'fuck you'. and the sex is fantastic. we've got a great thing going here.
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
He got you flowers. How bad can the sex really be?
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
handcuff keys just fell out of my bra....wtf happened last night?
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
I don't want to be flamboyant (says the guy who bought a hot pink suit to be a flamingo for Halloween)--but I don't mind being a little extra.
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