To answer your question of whether I "went back," tits just informed me I was kicked out for falling off my barstool and passing out on the floor...
How do you get a cum stain out of a trampoline?
We have nothing in common but the sex rocks, would it be awful to develop a drug habit just to have a topic of conversation?
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
Im just saying it can't be that bad if he drove himself to the er. We'll head that way when we finish playing scattergories
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
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