the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
Appropriately today was the first time I've ever GTL'd. I can't believe I made fun of this,it's rather relaxing.
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
I've learned something. I regret way too may Tuesdays in my life to be normal
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
it wasn't a normal cookie, i figured that out 45 minutes into my exam
Because once my penis is in motion, it stays in motion unless another force acts upon it.
Wanna hang out? my DILF had to dip out for his sons little league game
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
Just in case you blacked out, we had sex, you came in me, we need plan B, we fell off your top bunk, broke your roommates chair, i still like you, but i'm in pain and am going to bed
Randomize
