getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
Had sex to a Lionel Richie song. I have a feeling I was conceived to it. Finally reached full circle.
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
I think ppl see us as an unstoppable drunken force
This is your typical drubkba Amy test. Shout out to jisus for auto correct
I got woken up by a construction worker, turns out I was laying in a hallway, naked and wrapped in a matress pad. To answer your question no, I did not study for this test I got David Hasselhoff drunk
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
His eyefucking isn't even normal eyefucking; it's eye anal.
You've changed since you got that strap on
Gotta love college... Pregamed for my 8:30 flight home this morning and gave the flight attendants all high fives when I got on the plane. Best ride of my life.
Randomize
