I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
Woke up to the UT campus police fishing my boxers out of the university pool, guess it was a good night.
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
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