I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
i wonder if detective benson from law and order takes those handcuffs home. i bet she does.
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
I'm gonna go out in a limb and say living out middle school fantasies is never a good idea
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
My dad found my bra hanging from my rear view mirror. Happy long weekend.
Let's just say, I will never again lick an asshole.
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
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