I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
i must've hopped out the car and eaten some leaves...even when your'e drunk that's not acceptable
All I know is that we apparently made a drink we named The Single Girl which is rum, vodka, grain alcohol, and sprite and rolled around in the backyard.
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
enjoying your night?
do dogs like to salsa?
I dont know if that answers my question or not
Randomize
