It's cute how he thinks we're going to have sex again
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
you were sat in the corner crying until someone gave you a baguette, which you then tried to feed to the duck doorstop.
I regret nothing
what customs doesn't know wont hurt them
All I remember is having a LONG talk with a 23 year old mother with a 5 year old kid at a bar who told me "it's not that bad"
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
He was talking up his golf swing like other guys talk up their dick. Is this adult dating or just another flavour of douchery?
Boobs have been pretty central in my life somehow lately which makes me question if I am truly gay
He told me to take off work and bring a bathing suit. If this doesn't involve six flags hurricane harbor or sex in a hotel pool I'm going to be disappointed.
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
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