I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
apparently smacking a customer in the face with his iPhone was not part of the WOW factor we learned in training...
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
Please delete that video of me blowing you. I will repay you with 100 blowjobs even better than the one I gave you during that video. Please. I am gonna be a grandma one day.
Theme for your birthday? Beer olympics in S&M costumes? Sounds like a nice little saturday
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
We are so blessed to to have nicely shaped vaginas
I thank god almighty everyday
I don't care what you say, the fact that he's a drag queen with the same shoe size as me is reason enough to date him
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
He can sense you did cocaine and had park sex with a large ginger from Australia last night.
Randomize
