this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
My roommate found me crawling down the hallway as she was on her way to her morning class. Its time for a new semester.
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
i love being in ibiza. their hotels are much more receptive to walking around naked in the lobby than our american ones.
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
Im going..... Drinking all day and hand jobs from 18yr old emo rich girls that are just trying to get back at mom and dad for being to protective...SOLD
You should have thought about how you were going to treat me before having me take photos of your asshole.
Dunno. My heart says "no", my brain says "maybe" and my dick says "YES YES FOR THE LOVE OF GOD YES!!"
tinder day one and i already had more guys message me about "the girl with the big tits in my second picture" than about me. MY 17 YEAR OLD SISTER CAN GET LAID WITHOUT EVEN HAVING TO MAKING A PROFILE
to be fair she does have a great rack
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
Randomize
