Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
i found her turbo button.....if you know what i mean.
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
It was worse than when we pepper-sprayed my dick. I feel mislead.
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
He also needs to focus on not being such a little bitch, but that's none of my business.
She can be as judgemental as she wants. But she thinks the female orgasm is a myth so who is really winning here...
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
Randomize
