Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
You're like the curious george of whores
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
I believe you would have been proud of me last night.. I was chasin Fireball shots with Jack and Coke. Guess there's a reason they call me Whiskey Woman.
I though he and I knew each other well enough that we could go to my hotel room to do a bunch of cocaine together without their being any homoerotic implications, but NOOOOOOOOO!
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
Be happy for me... Or horny... Or be a really good friend and feel what I want you to feel. Jealousy
Yupp. He's definitely a screamer.
Randomize
