I'm think I may have given your ex's number to a convicted sex offender.
Win!
Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point.
I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion
The cop was more concerned with the fact I had cowboy boots on with shorts than the fact we were under age
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
let's just pour the lemonade mix into the soco. cut out the middle man.
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
Can you pay somone's bail with a credit card or just cash? I feel like you would know this.
Randomize
