he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
Intervention is following me on twitter.
wow.
I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
She just took off her shirt and jumped in the kiddie pool. We're not leaving.
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
So he just rolled you off his dick and fell on the floor?
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
the fact that your 21st birthday is also new years eve is pretty much a death sentence
Randomize
