If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
Canada just beat USA, the sad part they still need us to make money so who really won
Grown men dancing to Spice Girls and a girl wearing one shoe. I belong here
Heading to the gym, the one that guy said he goes to. Already checked online, his class is at 5. And no, this isn't too much after meeting him last night. Stop judging me,
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
WHAT DID YOU SAW VERBATIM. VERBATIM IS SOBER FOR WORD FOR WORD
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
The profile of her ass is just unreal. Weird way to use profile I know, but never more accurate
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
You know you have a good math teacher when we're talkIng about mixture problems and no one gets it until he explains it by talking about mixing alcohol
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
Did you at least know who's jizz it was?
That is questionable.
Randomize
