Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
nothing like morning wood sex at 4pm. funemployment ftw
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
it was the drunk execution of a sober decision, and its much more tasteful than the first mullet
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
She's a freaking stalker dude, it's like having some kind of cartoon animal just following around everywhere
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
Randomize
