Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
Question: Would it be wrong to just fuck both of them and decide who to date one performance of their cocks?
I'm hard boiling eggs, drinking rum, and talking to my 8 year old brother about the 10's times tables. This is what thursday is all about.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
Not much, just taking another sorting hat quiz while waiting for this porno to finish buffering
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
I'm at that point in my life where keeping an extra pair of underwear in my purse is normal.
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
I like your optimism Chelsea but I'm not about getting my salad tossed
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
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