a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
He gave me a book last time I slept there. Im beginning to feel like a really weird hooker. Like instead of money he gives me random shit he has lying around. like hamburger buns
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
Is there a reason why the cops knew her name as they were chasing her?
IS SOBER OCTOBER A THING?? WTF WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?
no. i discovered the *exact* amount of drugs i need to do to understand calculus.
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
Do you own a cuff key and know where Karen lives?
can i get licensed in dentistry online like a priest
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
Randomize
