im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
You get to witness red pubes. I'm almost jealous. That's like my dream.
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
The bad decision stars are too close to aligning to risk this tonight.
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
Some male strippers are here, I threw pancakes at them. It's ok
WHAT IF I SAT OUTSIDE AND STARTED SCREAMING THE LYRICS TO O CANADA WOULD THAT FIX IT
PLEASE DON'T
He really only has clothes, like 4 boogie boards, and a bong here.
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
Honestly I volunteered because the email made it sound like it was a once in a lifetime opportunity to be a sexual spy kid.
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
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