My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
I have bruises everywhere. I think I took "the drinks are strong" as more of a challenge than a warning.
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
How could you give up sex for lent? I gave up religion for lent years ago and never looked back. Or give up civility, not sex.
Next sat night Titanic party. Bring your floaties, trashy necklaces, and a large lung capacity. This ship is going downnnnnnn.
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
You are a booty call, not a friend.
Just thinking about this summer makes me feel a slight tingle of an orgasm mixed with a twinge of regret as the cold ghostly feeling of multiple hangovers creep into my body.
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
I can't wait til me and pit bull can just be together
He just compared our sex to a grand slam on Wii fitness
You're doing it right
After 2 minutes he came and said, "thanks for everything". I can't wait to hear what he says next time when I do more than just lay there.
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
Did I ever tell you what happened that night after he ran you over?
Randomize
