Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
There's sex hanging in the air like a pinata. European people are no joke.
he said something along the lines of "fish can smell fear"
I'm currently day drinking, studying and making corn. Don't tell me what I can't do.
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
Dude your life.. At your sugar daddies house sending nudes to your fwb
just stepped out my front door and let the wind dry my naked body because I was too lazy to go search for a clean towel that may not even exist. I could live like this forever
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
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