can we meet up so i can piece together the end of my night? for instance, did i jump or fall into a plant?
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
Also there's a home game tomorrow and I thought about holding up a sign that says, "I madeout with #64 during orientation week" would that be inappropriate??
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
You have no concept of how high I am, do you?
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
After this weekend my vagina will follow his penis anywhere. It’s like the pied piper, but with penis
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