I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
I want to bury your face in my vagina. Possibly by force. I will try not to suffocate you though.
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
Druken naked yoga : jus another ploy to keep your husbands eye in check
Get in your clown car, pick up everyone you know, and head to the park. drunk Sledding grand prix tonight. winner takes home the leftover beer
We've been walking through the woods for two hours, he just keeps taking pictures. At least we'll remember this tomorrow.
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
orgy was averted by karaoke, thank god
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
i gave head in a cab last night. get on my level.
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