dude i totally did the walk last night came out of her room to see her dad sitting there straight lookin at me...wtf
you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
Successful New Year's Eve:: Your first shower of the year is on Jan. 2nd... 'cause you didn't trust yourself to stand up long enough on Jan. 1st. Hello 2010.
Agreed. Everyone should experience a blackout before 3pm in their lifetime.
Im drunk and they're making me play quiet game. Im scared. Baptists are here
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
Question: If I got in a car accident and lost my memory of us, would you work your way back just so we could be fuck buddies again?
I'm watching The Vow and just need to know that I'm loved in some way
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
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