Hey when you come over to pick me up in the mornin bring a camera. This is going to be legendary. Don't knock.... They might cover up
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
come on don't hate me. your brother looks just like you its almost a complement that i had sex with him.
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
Jordan and I are drunk and barred out at the liquor store sitting in the awesome $70 Corona bench bargaining with the owner for a lower price, all while passing the Belvedere bottle between the two of us. Real life. College has down this.
Gravity stopped and i'm discussing Greek philosophy with two guys I don't know. There's someone asleep on me. We need to use their dealer.
you can't tell me it's over and send me pics of you and your cat?
I was the girl at the bar last night passing out free condoms and making sure everyone knew how to use them to keep the population down
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
I still regret not being there for your blackout into the dumpster last year
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
Hypothetically speaking - is it bad if you get cut off at an airport bar at 11:30am?
She rode me like a jockey on that tiny couch. Then we spooned.
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