I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
so would me posting the photos of the cock and coin jar incident be completely out of the question?
It's confirmed I did eat a ping pong ball last night...
Watching tv. She's giving me head and she hates it when I watch her.
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
It made me think of you cause he just screamed "CAPTAIN PLANET" a lot and kicked people in the balls.
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
Was the first guy that bit your neck last night wearing a trenchcoat...I have a vague memory.
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
She said to call her, so I called her. Her boyfriend answered and traced the fucking call. I could litterally hear him yell because it turns out he lives in 4d
Don't you live in 4c?
It's a race to see if I finish the bottle first or my homework
Randomize
