I think im going to throw up on grandma
he just referred to himself as the billy mays of his frat.. heres how to order
Old men and throwing up are my life now.
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
We're having the conversation about what happened last night, all we can come up with is that we came home, drank two litres of lemonade, I took one of her seizure pills and we fell asleep with sabrina the teenage witch on
should i be impressed or disgusted that i was spitting glow-in-the-dark?
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
I messaged him asking for his address. He replied with the address then said, "If you're gonna stalk me, I'm the third window on the side and usually get naked around 8am and anytime randomly after 6pm (listen for music).. If you're sending anthrax, I'm 6'2" 225lbs so send a good amount."
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
Come share oat with me in your robe
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
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